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What?

After the release of Jake Blues from prison, he and brother Elwood go to visit the orphanage where they were raised by nuns. They learn that the Church stopped its support and will sell the place to the education authority, and the only way to keep the place open is if the tax on the property is paid within 11 days. The brothers want to help, and decide to raise money by putting their blues band back together and staging a big gig. They may be on a mission from God, but they’re making enemies everywhere they go.

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

I’ve never seen it.

Yeah, I know. Shut up.

Worth It?

While it wasn’t the masterpiece of cinema that I’m often hearing, The Blues Brothers was a wonderfully entertaining movie that, if it didn’t have such a hold of what it was aiming for, would have been a disaster.

It’s a musical, but it’s not. Action? Yeah, but not really. Comedy? Well, it has funny moments!

It’s an impossible film to pigeonhole because it really is all over the place, but what holds it together are the fantastic songs and the musicians involved, they work almost as a connection between the skits of Belushi and Aykroyd.

As for Belushi, the guy was a star, a true talent that never got to fulfil the roles he could have nailed.

I challenge anyone to not crack a massive smile when the Brothers are going at it with Ray Charles, and this is just one magical moment amongst many.

As with a lot of the 80′s cult movies, it lags towards the end and feels a bit laboured, at nearly 2 and a half hours long, it’s unnecessarily lengthy, but these are quibbles, because I still enjoyed the hell out of the movie.

8/10

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What?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus tells the story of the titular Doctor and his travelling ‘Imaginarium’ where audience members get the chance to choose between light and joy, or darkness and gloom. Doctor parnassus long ago made a bet with the devil, trading his immortality for youth, on the grounds that when his first-born reached its 16th year, he or she would become the property of the devil. Dr Parnassus’ daughter Valentina is now approaching her 16th birthday and he is desperate to protect her from the imminent handover. The devil arrives but, as a betting man, makes another wager. Now, in order to win Valentina, the victor must be the first to seduce five souls. Joined by many wild and eccentric characters in his journey, Dr Parnassus promises his daughter’s hand in marriage to the man that helps him win.

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

Because it was the last stand of Heath Ledger, an actor who I had a lot of time for, so his final curtain was always going to be a film I would be interested in. Factor in the “mirror” elements that bring Depp, Law and Farrell into play, and it became a must see for me.

Worth It?

Unbearable bollocks.

One thing I hate, is turning a film off halfway through. I like to give a film enough respect to allow it to reach its conclusion and give me the whole nine yards.

I got 75 minutes in to Dr Parnassus and had to turn it off. Dodgy accents and nonsensical plot aside, there was nothing on offer to persuade me to persevere through the absolute garbage I had already sat through.

What was wrong specifically?

Everything, and this really wasn’t the final curtain that Ledger deserved.

2/10

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What?

Following a plague that has left the world overrun by flesh-devouring zombies, Nerdy college student Columbus and gun-toting Tallahassee form an unlikely duo. Together, they are about to stare down their most horrifying challenge yet: each other’s company!

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own and then for the last half hour, the girlfriend.

Why?

When the movie first was advertised, I thought it was going to be either pure brilliance, or an absolute turkey. Luckily for me it was the former! I loved this movie at the cinema so now it’s available on Blu-Ray, I’m hoping the experience is as strong second time around.

Worth It?

Somehow, I think I actually enjoyed it even more!

Cast? Brilliant. Those comparing Eisenberg to Michael Cera really are doing him a massive dis-service because he is far more talented than the one-note Cera and I’ve been quite lucky to have followed his career from a great debut in Roger Dodger up to his brilliant turn in Adventureland.

Don’t worry, I won’t mention THAT cameo, except it’s a definite highlight!

Zombieland is such a great deal of fun, I can’t comprehend anyone not enjoying it, and whilst it’s not as strong as Shaun of the Dead, it runs it pretty close and definitely has it’s heart in the right place.

8/10

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What?

In this hilarious Hot Shots! sequel, former renegade pilot Topper Harley is, once again, recruited for a secret mission. This time the country’s incompetent president sends him to the Middle East to rescue U.S. hostages and the countless men who have already been sent in to rescue them. Pining for his former lover in a Buddhist temple, Topper manages to pull himself together and sets out on his laugh-filled, action-packed task.

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

I was dog sitting and I totally forgot the pin to the Sky box. This was just starting on Film4 and I remember it being okay, but then, I was about 8 when I saw it and I’ve learnt that hindsight is a cruel, heartless bitch.

Worth It?

You know what? This was still pretty damn funny!

It’s completely ludicrous, stupid and the story is secondary to the skits, but it really goes to show how much time and love was put into these skits and how these seem to be missing from the Scary Movies and the Meet the Date Movies (which I’m fairly certain are a plague).

There isn’t much to talk about because Hots Shots: Part Deux is a fast-food movie. Forgettable but man, you enjoy it whilst you’re taking it in! In fact, there are some incredibly smart and witty jokes contained, but I won’t leave you with those. I’ll leave you with…

GERONIMO!

GERONIMO!

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

6/10

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What?

Gambler. Thief. Junkie. Killer. Cop…

He’s the kind of cop who steals drugs off a dead man’s body, the kind of father who’d rather feed his drug habit than his family… His badge means nothing to him other than the right to act like the very criminals he’s supposed to be chasing and the fierce anger beneath his personality is only fuelled by his addiction to heroin, crack and alcohol. But when a beautiful young nun is raped on the altar of a local church, the ‘Bad Lieutenant’ is drawn to her case and into a final desperate attempt to find the true depths of human sin and the power of mercy.

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

I was exposed to the Herzog remake/not-remake masterpiece recently, a movie that completely blew me away and restored some of the faith in Nic Cage that he had lost over the years. I won’t go too in-depth, but it is essential you check it out, it really is a deranged piece of brilliance.

Anyway.

I had heard of this movie and the controversy that surrounded it, and really, Keitel would be interesting even if he was painting a wall, so after my extremely positive experience with Herzog’s movie, I thought I should investigate the original of the remake/not-remake/not-sequel.

Worth It?

Ahhh I didn’t like this one single biddy bit!

For all the charm that Herzog’s movie created amongst it’s insanity, Abel Ferrara’s movie was just a grim experience from start to finish, with zero sign of letting up and an indictment of how balls humanity can be.

Keitel was great in what I can only assume is a massively uncomfortable role, but not great enough to forgive the film its lack of hope.

That shouldn’t be given as a reason for disliking a film but alas, I could not find an emotional attachment at any point to any characters and for that I’m glad. But what it didn’t create was a good movie experience.

Friends, that is all I ask for.

4/10

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What?

He knows sweet F.A. about football but when the poisoned chalice of the England football manager’s job beckons, hapless no-hoper Mike Bassett just can’t resist the opportunity to lead his country in search of the World Cup…

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

It’s a movie mentioned quite often on a website forum that I post on. I pondered the question “Why is there no such thing as a good football movie?” to which the response was there is one…this.

I hope they’re right.

Worth It?

They’re not right.

It wasn’t terrible, let’s get that straight right away. It had a couple of funny moments, some genuinely clever takes on the wonderful world of football and a very very good lead performance from Ricky Tomlinson.

Aside from that, the story was flimsy and unimaginative, the parodies shallow and obvious and the performances outside of the lead were weak as hell and served only to make Tomlinson look even better.

But why is it that Baseball has Bull Durham? Basketball has Hoosiers? American Football has Friday Night Lights? Hockey has Slap Shot? Football has….Escape to Victory!

For a sport brimming with passion and with arguably the biggest worldwide fan base, there hasn’t been a movie that has retained all of this in 2 hours and captured the magic that so many fans see week in, week out.

Why?

Answers on a postcard, because Mike Bassett isn’t the answer.

5/10

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What?

Heavy Metal in Baghdad is a feature film documentary that follows the Iraqi heavy metal band Acrassicauda from the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003 to the present day. Playing heavy metal in a Muslim country has always been a difficult (if not impossible) proposition but after Saddam’s regime was toppled, there was a brief moment for the band in which real freedom seemed possible. That hope was quickly dashed as their country fell into a bloody insurgency. From 2003-2006, Iraq disintegrated around them while Acrassicauda struggled to stay together and stay alive, always refusing to let their heavy metal dreams die. Their story echoes the unspoken hopes of an entire generation of young Iraqis.

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

It’s a documentary that I’ve seen reviewed here and there but I’ve always forgotten to follow-up my interest, because it’s a fascinating story. I managed to find a copy (in a Blockbuster, which was weird) and I was in the mood for a documentary tonight.

Worth It?

As someone in a band, that was a real eye-opener.

As someone who consorts with many other people in bands and takes an active interest in the music scene, I never EVER want to hear another band complain about how hard they have it, because our lives are gold. We don’t really have any worry.

Not in comparison to a daily risk of death, torture and persecution because you want to play the music you love.

Heavy Metal In Baghdad is equal parts fascinating, inspiring and heartbreaking. You have 5 dudes who love music, it’s in their blood, yet because of their geographical situation, they will never be able to fully embrace it.

And do they piss and moan? Do they take every opportunity to slam their government, the US government, the war?

No, they get on with it. They know there isn’t much they can do but live their lives, hope to stay alive for another day and throw themselves into something they are so passionate about.

This isn’t a documentary for Heavy Metal fans, it’s for everyone with a passing interest in how the “other side” lives and how they take their day-to-day struggles and they work with them and they try to keep on top of things.

It’s inspiring stuff and if you’re one of those bands who feel like it’s just so hard because your haircut isn’t getting you the shows or money you want, watch this movie. Maybe you’ll pull your head out of your arse and realise how lucky you are.

8/10

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What?

Harry Angel is hired for $125 a day to track down the big band swinger Johnny Favourite. What seems like a straight-forward missing person case dramatically becomes a murder hunt for this down-and-out private detective. His client, Louis Cypher, a mysterious stranger, is forced to up his fee to keep Angel on the case.

Each of Angel’s leads ends up as a victim of a ritualistic act of murder, as he begins to put together the pieces in the jigsaw of Johnny’s strange story… the nightmare has just begun.

Where?

At home.

With?

On my own.

Why?

Angel Heart is considered one of the cult classics of the 80′s and features some of the biggest stars of that era. I haven’t seen it. In face, I’ve pretty much avoided it on the off-chance I one day do watch it because I’m fully aware there’s a big twist ending, and for nearly 20 years, I’ve avoided finding it out.

I hope it’s good.

Worth It?

Well that was frustrating.

For so long, Angel Heart was a really effective noir movie which played on its location to perfection and really engineered a sense of paranoia and mis-trust that is often missing from modern movies.

It’s a beautiful film with a fantastic lead performance from Mickey Rourke, a timely reminder that he wasn’t always a hideous chud, and at one point he had Hollywood at his feet. Bonet is pretty great too, especially how well she shed her Cosby cloak, both metaphorically and literally, and just to repeat myself, Alan Parker brought the vibrancy of New Orleans and the racial tension to life, Angel Heart really was a pleasure to watch from a visual point of view.

So why did they have to end it like that?

All of that paranoia and tension was built up, I’m expecting a fantastic 180, but I get an absolutely ridiculous twist that completely killed the movie and my enjoyment of it up to that moment.

I can’t even look back on the rest of the film fondly because I now know what it was building up to. An absolutely ridiculous story-telling decision.

When will they learn?

For a large part of the movie, this stood within distance of Chinatown and The Last Seduction.

They totally screwed the pooch with that ending.

5/10

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What?

Jérôme and Benjamin are two young skateboarders whose carefree existence is turned upside down when they witness the murder of a drug dealer.

Rumbled by the assassins they manage to escape. Taking refuge in a police station they then discover that the criminals are actually the crooked cops. Then begins a relentless chase through the streets of Paris as Jérôme and Benjamin attempt to outwit their unscrupulous pursuers…

Utilising real Paris locations and two of France’s top street skaters, Skate Or Die is an adrenalin rush thriller for the Red Bull generation.

Where?

At the girlfriends.

With?

The girlfriend.

Why?

We were owed a free rental from Blockbuster after they gave us a battered version of The Baader Meinhof Complex. Unfortunately, being the massive geek that I am, I’d already seen most of the movies on offer. That is, until I stumbled upon this newbie. The cover screamed “FROM THE PRODUCER OF DISTRICT 13!”

The skateboarders yelled “WE ARE CUTTING EDGE!”

The 17-year-old inside of me fainted with the sheer awesomeness that was on offer. It was a no-brainer.

Worth It?

The 17-year-old me is a god damn moron.

“Skate Or Die is an adrenalin rush thriller for the Red Bull generation!”

Yeah, you’ll need a Red Bull to stay awake, because after a promising opening 20 minutes, you are then treated to over an hour of running and jumping as our two protagonists are chased by the bad guys.

And chased.

And chased.

And chased.

And then they get away….wait, no, they found them.

And chased…

You get the point, I’m sure.

Skate or Die is a cynical attempt to cash in on the extreme sports, and this fool was unlucky enough to fall for it. Don’t suffer the same fate as mine, put the box back on the shelf and rent Thirst instead.

I really wish I had.

3.5/10

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What?

When Manchu invaders ravage a defenseless village, one wounded and desperate student seeks refuge at the secretive monastery of Shaolin. Fueled by wrath, he undertakes a grueling program of martial arts training that hones his strength, agility, and endurance in order to defeat his enemies.

Where?

At the girlfriends.

With?

On my own.

Why?

I really love the martial arts genre, but honestly, I am a complete 100% amateur when it comes to the classics. My experience of martial arts movies are the ones I caught on Channel 4 in the early hours when I was in college. Now I know the Shaw Brothers were the go-to producers for 70′s martial arts, and upon researching, this is widely considered the best.

I guess it will decide how much further I venture into the genre, or if I stay a mere casual fan.

Worth It?

There’s a reason why this post is running a touch late. Well, two reasons. One, I’ve been away at the ladies, and two, I just had to think some more about this movie, because I really didn’t want to gush.

Screw it.

Incredible…absolutely amazing! Single handedly the best martial arts movie I’ve ever seen and a new hero has crossed my path in the form of Gordon Liu.

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (or Master Killer, as it is known in the States) starts off a little slow, it probably took me about 30 minutes to become really invested into what was happening on-screen, but from then on, I daren’t blink. It almost works as an extended training montage, as that’s the bulk of the movie, watching San Te fight his way through the 35 chambers of Shaolin with a view to claiming back his village.

And boy does he train!

I’ve idolised Bruce Lee and Tony Jaa from an aesthetic point of view, but Liu’s performance in 36th Chamber is the first I’ve seen which oozed effortless cool in one scene, and sheet vulnerability in another, the movie really takes you on the journey with San Te, making the epic finale all the more worth it.

In fact, the movie was a constant surprise. I was taken aback by how funny The 36th Chamber of Shaolin really was, and not in a “oh man this is cheesy” way, I mean in a Stephen Chow/Chaplin/Slapstick way, and Liu sells it perfectly.

Listen, if you were on the fence about Martial Arts movies, watch this. I now have this huge urge to take in as many of the “classics” as possible (my wallet will hate me) and I’m extremely confident that if you give this a chance, you will LOVE it.

A new entry into my all time favourite movies?

Time and repeat viewings will tell, but it’s got a bloody good chance.

9/10